How Much For Happy?
by BevinScott
Summary: A month has passed since her sister has died.Everything has changed,and Newports newest rebel is on the verge of self destruction,its a shock to everyone who comes to her rescue.KaitlinSeth pairing.Rated M for language,cutting & smut in chapters to come.
1. Prologue

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the OC or have anything to do with FOX. If I did, the OC would have never ended. **

**Just to make it easier for everyone to understand, most of this story will be told in Kaitlin & Seth's POV's. All characters will be in it. But, its not where the show left off, its before that. It takes place right after Marissa's death, where the show didn't really go into depth about. It will change a lot of things, and pairings. And there will be a lot of dark and sexual themes. So if you have a closed mind, or prefer not to read explicit sex scenes and adult language don't bother reading. Reviews and criticism is greatly appreciated, I want to know what you think. I am here to become a better writer, so please, be brutally honest with me. However, don't flame me just because you don't like my pairings or storyline. Thank you! Hope you enjoy! **

**And on a total side note, yes the fic is named after Cassie Steele's Album "How Much For Happy" which if completely amazing, and I hope everyone checks it out. The chapters are all the songs, in order. Enjoy & Review.  
**

**Prologue **

I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself.. The name is Kaitlin Cooper. I grew up as a rich spoiled bitch in Newport Beach, California. My mother Julie, and father Jimmy gave me pretty much whatever I wanted. I didn't ask for much attention, so they didn't give it to me. Instead, they gave it to my sister, who was 3 years older than me, Marissa Cooper. I'm sure you've heard that name before right?

Anyways, I grew up and I was pretty content with my life. When I was 12, my father got into some pretty serious trouble, not that I knew that at the time. I didn't know anything was wrong, they told me they told me everything would be fine. They sent me away. I called it prison, most just call it boarding school. I hated everything about that place, sure, I fit right in, I was one of them. The chosen ones as they referred to themselves as. The ones that didn't have to do a damn thing, just snap their fingers to get whatever they wanted. Its what most girls dream of, being away, a dorm with your closest friend, boys everywhere, rich boys at that.. But that's not what I wanted. I wanted my family. I knew something wasn't right. I got a few emails here and there, but mostly, they forgot me.

But that's the life you live when your big sister is a drama queen, your dads a thief and your mother is a whore.

At the age of 14, I left my boarding school after stealing money from my ex boyfriends brother to get home. I acted clueless. I wanted them to tell me themselves. We lived in a trailer, which wouldn't had bothered me so much if I hadn't found out about it when it was all over my school because a friends dad owned the lot.

It was midwinter break when I finally got home, though my mother and sister were completely shocked to my homecoming, they seemed excited. They finally confessed to the trailer, and everything else they'd been hiding, we fought, there were tears, then we became a family, minus my father of course. Marissa and I finally started to bond, and I couldn't be happier. She then introduced me to Johnny, who I liked instantly. Problem was, with Johnny, like most people in my life, everything was about Marissa. I didn't know much of their past, but apparently they had dated. Marissa still had feelings for him, though she was dating on and off boyfriend Ryan Atwood, and he of course was still in love with her. I didn't care though. If anything I had fun seeing the bit of pain in my sisters eyes.

After a while I started to get annoyed by the fact that Johnny hid our almost nonexistent relationship from Marissa, so I tricked him. That caused yelling, tears and ended with death. To explain, on a late night, Johnny and I had a date with tequila and a fire, where he climbed a cliff drunkenly talking about his feelings for Marissa. I got scared and called Marissa and Ryan, who came to the rescue. But the only person they rescued was me. We tried to talk him down from the cliff, Ryan even climbed up after him, he fell, Ryan jumped to save him, but then the bottle broke and Johnny was dead.

I left a few days after Johnny's funeral, still feeling completely guilty for everything that had happened. Its something I'll never really forgive myself for. Marissa and my mother promised to stay in touch better, and they did. I even came back for Marissa's graduation, and decided to stay in Newport and take over The Harbor School, where my sister and her friends had left off.

My plans quickly changed when on the night of graduation, my sister got in a car accident that ended in her death.

I think that leads us to today. Me, sitting at her gravestone, staring at it. Trailing my fingers over the engravings. Marissa Maria Cooper. September 24th1988- June 3rd 2006. Cherished daughter, sister and friend.

Looking at the words, it still hard for me to believe. My sister is gone. Not just for college like planned, but gone. From my life, from my future, from the planet She's completely gone, and as far as I'm concerned, nothing else matters.


	2. A Sinners Prayer

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the OC or have anything to do with FOX. If I did, the OC would have never ended. **

**Review! **

**Chapter One-A Sinners Prayer**

Sliding out of his arms, I gave his sleeping body a quick frown before starting to rummage through the pieces of clothing that covered his dorm room floor. I got dressed quickly and snuck out of the room, feeling the misty ocean breeze hit my face. I sighed a little to myself, looking around for my car. I quickly spotted it and walked towards it, still feeling the alcohol burning my throat. The night before was kind of a blur, like most nights before, but I didn't care. At least if you can't remember, the memories can't hurt you.

Making my way back home finally I stared up at the mansion before sneaking up the steps and unlocking the door. Of course, I knew my mother wouldn't be awake. She probably never knew I was gone. It had only been a month since Marissa's death, and as expected everyone was a mess. That's not what bothered me though, its that they all had each other, the Cohen's and my mom, and Summer, they had people to push away from, me, I had no one. Though, I knew if I did have someone, I'd push away. Truth isn't exactly my forte.

I snuck into my room quietly, stripping off all but my white lacey boy shorts and bra and climbed into my bed. Marissa's bed. It use to be anyways. I could still almost smell the scent of her annoyingly girly perfume that I always joked with her about. But these days, it was all I wore. The perfume I mean, Light Blue by Dolce & Gabbana.

The day of her graduation, I had started redoing her room. But I stopped, that night. When we got the call. I figured if I left it like it was, it would be sort of like she wasn't gone. I was wrong, but sometimes, in the mornings I would forget, I'd wake up in her bed like I did after a bad dream when I was little, and for a while I'd pretend she was just off with Summer get her nails done or something. But then I'd leave my room and hear my mothers sobs through her bedroom door, and the pain and memories would come back to me once again.

I glanced over at the picture on my nightstand. Marissa, my mom and I the day of her graduation, smiling. The last picture of the Cooper girls all together. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes so I crawled under the blankets and closed my eyes, trying to hide from myself. Eventually I fell asleep, only to awake hours later by the doorbell.

Glancing at the clock which read 9:20 am, I sighed. I knew my mother wouldn't get it, so I put on the first thing I saw, which happened to be Marissa's pink Berkeley hoodie and headed for the stairs. I already knew who it was, though. Not exactly who it was, but I figured it was another person stopping by to give their sympathy, along with flowers and some form of casserole.

Opening the door, I looked up at the youngest member of the Cohen family, Seth. He offered a sympathetic smile and tried not to stare at me. I understood, considering I wasn't wearing much. He held a little shoe box out to me and I looked confused, usually food was stored in old dishes, or a few times a paper sack from a take out restaurant, but we hadn't gotten an old shoe box before.

I took it a little confused and finally spoke,

"what's this..?" I questioned, looking at him cluelessly.

He took a second to say something, but finally started talking,

"Uhm, my mom and I were going through old pictures.. We found some of Marissa from the past few years and thought you guys might want them to hold on too.." he started, seeing me look down a little, "I told my mom it might be too soon, but she insisted that I bring them over anyways.. But you don't have to look at them now, I can bring them back some other time if you want.." he kept rambling almost nervously, he knew it was a sore spot, and he looked genially sorry about it. Finally I forced a smile and shook my head,

"no, its fine.. Thank you" I said softly, trying to sound as meaningful as I could. I knew he was pretty torn up about losing Marissa as well, and I knew Summer was too. But in a sense I felt that Seth was almost like me in the way that he had lost everyone. Not lost in death, but he had lost one of his best friends, Ryan hadn't been seen since the funeral, Summer went off to Brown earlier than expected to get away from the memories for Marissa. And his parents probably wouldn't understand what he was feeling since the death.

He gave a small nod which snapped me out of my thoughts, I could tell he was confused at what to say next,

"I guess I should go.." he started, I nodded, offering yet another small and fake smile.

"Thanks again.." I said as he started to turn around. He quickly nodded and turn back to me,

"take care Mini Coop" he said, almost as if he knew my pain. I nodded before closing the door and walking to the couch. I sat the box in front of me, debating in my head whether I should look or not. I finally broke and opened it, looking on top of the pile of pictures. The first one that got to me was a picture of Marissa, Summer, Seth and Ryan at the sweatshirt party. Marissa was wearing the hoodie that I was now wearing. I stared for a second before looking at the next, which was a picture of the whole family at a Christmas part probably four years before. I shook my head, feeling the tears and put the lid back on the box, leaving it on the couch as I ran to the comfort of my bed. It didn't do much though, the tears were still streaming freely down my face, probably making the eyeliner and mascara from the night before smear down my face.

I finally had enough and walked into my bathroom and slammed the door. I collapsed on the floor in a fit of tears. All the pictures an memories going through my head like soundless film. I quickly pulled off the hoodie and threw it aside, seeing my left arm clearly now. I stared at the scabs for a while, feeling my hot salty tears wash over the marks, I quickly got up, the memories and anger still washing through my body. I made my way to the counter, grabbing a straight razor from the drawer. I didn't think twice before leaning against the bathtub and carving wildly into my wrist. One, two, three deep cuts across my wrist before dropping it to the floor as the blood ran down my stick like arms. It burned, it stung, but it felt so amazing. It was like being able to release all of the anger inside of me. The blood poured, I knew I was losing a lot of blood but I didn't really care. I just watched it, my tears mixing with the blood, making the cuts sting even more.

I watched and watched as my blood stained the rug on the floor, and the little clothes I had on. My eyes started to close and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep. The blood still pouring from my arm, was almost like a comfort. It made the pain more physical. It made it more real. It made me feel alive, it made me feel that if I felt this alive it was like Marissa could be alive too. I knew it was stupid to think, but it was the only way I knew how to escape.

I awoke around noon and looked down at my body. My red stained body, stained from my own dried blood. I sighed a little, running my finger across the fresh cuts before sitting upright. Picking up the razor and throwing it in the trash. I quickly shed my underwear and bra and turned on the shower, climbing in moments later and letting the hot water wash over me. I closed my eyes as it hit my arm, it burned but it still felt good to me.

I finally got out of the shower about 40 minutes later and wrapped myself in a towel. I wiped up the blood from the floor and threw all the bloody rags and clothes in the hamper before walking to my room. I quickly put on a pair of panties and a bra, before looking in my closet for something to wear. I went with my usual look. Pulling on a pair of black leggings that came to my knees and a long gray shirt that was covered black skulls and stars, it was long sleeved, which was all I wore to cover the cuts on my arm. People looked at me funny still, July in Newport Beach and here was a girl in long sleeves. I looked in the mirror as I brushed my hair, letting it dry as I applied my makeup. The blackest of the black eyeliner and eyeshadow, with a little shimmer to it. A light gloss and bright pink blush. My hair dried and I parted it to the side, letting it fall in front of my left eye a little. I slipped on a pair of black ballet flats before grabbing my purse and heading out the door. I didn't bother telling my mom I was leaving, she wouldn't notice anyways. It was about three when I arrived at the beach. I looked out at the ocean, blocking out the faces staring around me. Some of them gave sad smiles, some gave disappointed looks. Most just looked away. I put the earphones to my iPod in and turned it on, blasting the music in my ears to block out any other sound or thought in my head.

I sat there and watched until the sun went down, and people around scattered. That's when I took out the bottle of Jack Daniels in my purse and took a big gulp, letting the burning taste take over my mouth. I then got up, walking around for a while before heading into the cemetery. I passed people, but none of them really noticed me, and the ones that did ignored me. I walked quickly and sat on the grave, looking at the tombstone. I came every night, I did the same thing daily. Sometimes I had to wait for others to leave, random people that she touched through out her 18 years. Tonight no one was there though, so I sat, and stared, drinking more from the bottle. After the alcohol was running through my veins quickly I started to talk.

"Hey Riss.." I said quietly, not afraid of talking to my dead sister, I had done this every day for the past month, I told her about my day, about the pictures, about the cuts, about mom not leaving her room. Marissa didn't judge. She just listened.

"Dad called earlier too.. But I ignored the call.. I still can't believe he didn't come to the funeral.. He didn't say goodbye.." I kept talking, "no one has heard from Ryan still, my guess is that he's probably looking for Volchok." I kept talking and talking, as my eyes started to water but i kept telling her every thought in my head when I heard someone walking behind me. I jumped quickly, putting the bottle of Jack back in my purse before they noticed, when I turned around I saw Seth standing there, he looked away quickly as I wiped the tears from my eyes.

"I'm sorry.. I didn't think anyone would be out here.." he started before starting to walk away, I quickly got up to follow him.

"No its fine.." I told him, "I can go.." I said, noticing the flower in his hand I smiled sadly.

"I didn't mean to interrupt.." he said again, and I shook my head, looking at my phone. It was already two am, I'd been there for 4 hours rambling to my dead sister like an idiot.

"No.. its okay, I've been here for a while anyways.. You go ahead, I guess I'm sort of a cemetery hog.." I said shrugging a little, trying to break the tension between us, he let out a small chuckle thankfully not thinking it was too soon to say something like that.

"You can stay if you want.." he offered, I looked at him for a second trying to tell if he wanted me to stay, or if he was just being polite and asking anyways. It occurred to me that Seth Cohen wasn't the sincere type so I nodded, before walking back and sitting where I had before. He quickly followed, sitting a few feet away and setting the flower down. He looked at me curiously but didn't talk. He didn't have to, I almost knew his thoughts.

We sat there for about an hour in a comfortable silence, not a word said. There wasn't really words that would explain our feelings anyways. We just kind of stared at the engraved rock in front of us, me feeling the alcohol in my blood still, and him feeling the pain from losing one of his best friends.


	3. Blue Bird

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own the OC or have anything to do with FOX. If I did, the OC would have never ended.**

** Don't forget to review!  
**

**Chapter Two- Blue Bird**

After the night at Marissa's grave, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Kaitlin that is. Marissa was always in the back of my mind, but now her little sisters broken eyes had permanently been burned into my brain. All I wanted to do was help her, but I didn't know how.

I didn't see her so much after that night either, I walked by the cemetery every night though, and I saw her there, but she didn't see me. Sometimes I caught myself listening to the one sided conversations she had with Marissa and I'd try to pull myself away but her words were so dark and deep, it almost killed me inside to hear this coming from her. She was after all, only 16, and going through so much for her age.

I snapped out of my thoughts at the sound of my phone ringing, I quickly grabbed it and answered it quickly after seeing the name.

"Summer?" I asked a little confused, she hadn't called me in a month. I'd called her daily for the first couple of weeks, but after the night with Kaitlin, I'd only left a few messages to see how she was, since she hadn't called me back, I decided just to let her grieve and call me when she's ready.

"Cohen.." she said softly, it sounded like she had been crying, which would've been expected.

"Long time no talk.." I said, with almost a sound of anger in my voice which surprised even me.

"Yeah.. I'm sorry.. I just have been trying not to think about it" she admitted, "how is everything.. Your parents, Ryan and Julie" when she said that I understood exactly what Kaitlin was talking about when she was at the grave, telling Marissa that no one cared.

"My parents are doing okay.. Ryan still isn't home, and Julie hasn't left the house in a month.." I said answering her questions, but in the back of my head still thinking about Kaitlin.

"what about you?" she finally asked with a small sigh, I could tell she knew I was being distant.

"I'm okay" I said looking outside my window, I could see Kaitlin clearly, laying by the pool drinking from a bottle of vodka. "I have to go though.." I told her, hearing a small protest before I hung out.

I must admit, I felt kind of like a perv staring out the window at a 16 year old girl in a bikini. But I couldn't look away. She was so beautiful, sitting there with her eyes closed as she every so often would take a drink of vodka straight from the bottle. I was impressed in the sickest way possible. I finally pulled my eyes away from her and sighed, I had to see her. I don't know why it was so important to me now, but I felt like I had to help her somehow.

I glanced at the clock, it was almost 1 pm. I tried to think of an excuse to go over there, and finally decided to just go grab lunch and say that my mom told me to bring her some too. Its not like she ever talked to my parents really anyways.

I ran down the stairs and to my car quickly. I decided on Thai takeout. It was the only thing he ever really remembered hearing Kaitlin liked.

After I got the takeout, I stopped by Starbucks, and then headed for home, walking over to the Cooper house and ringing the doorbell. Kaitlin answered a few minutes later, still in her bikini with a towel over her left arm.

"Uh hi" she said looking a little confused.

I smiled a bit before holding up the bag of takeout. She still looked confused so I started to talk.

"I was going to get some lunch.. And my mom thought it'd be a good idea to bring you some.. Its Thai" I offered, she almost looked disappointed when I mentioned my mom and I wondered what that could mean but shrugged it off, "so, hungry?"

She nodded a little before opening the door a little allowing me inside. I looked around, seeing the box of pictures still on the couch. She smiled a little walking towards the backyard.

"I guess since you went through all the trouble.." she said with a small laugh, I was glad to see her smile again though. She sat down at the table outside and waited for me. I followed quickly and sat the food out, before handing her the drink I'd gotten at Starbucks for her.

"I didn't know what you'd want so I just got you a regular latte.." I explained, she smiled before taking a drink of it.

"Thanks.." she said a little softer than she usually talked, before reaching in the paper bag and grabbing some food. I did the same quickly and we both began to eat in silence. It was a little awkward, but I didn't really care. A part of me felt really good around her, and the other part of me hated that because she was 16, and was going through so much already she didn't need anything else on top of it.

"How've you been.." I finally asked, even though it was a pretty stupid question to ask a girl who had just lost her older sister.

"I'm okay.." she said shrugging a little, I nodded not sure if I believed her but didn't want to push it. "What about you?"

"I'm holding up.. Summer called today.." she had probably known that I hadn't been talking to Summer. It seemed that everyone in Newport always knew everything.

"That's good.. How is she?" she said a little curious. It then occurred to me that I had no idea how she was. I didn't bother to ask.

"I think she's okay.. I kind of had to go so we didn't talk to for long" I explained and she seemed to understand what I meant. We didn't say anything else for a while but then I asked another question, "did you look at the pictures..?" I questioned, she nodded a little, she looked a bit upset but I didn't know why.

"Yeah.. Thanks" she offered a smile, and even though I barely knew her, I knew it was fake.

We sat in another awkward silence, eating and every so often looking up at each other, but then away.

"Have you heard from Ryan..?" she finally asked and I looked up at her, pushing my food away because I was finished.

"No." I answered honestly, "he hasn't called anyone.. He won't pick up his phone either"

"Do you think he found him?" she asked, I knew who she meant, Volchok.

"Not yet.. I think when he finds him we'll know" I admitted, almost bitterly, she seemed to agree though.

"Is it wrong that I want him to find him..?" she said after a few more minutes, I looked up at her and shook my head.

"I think all of us want him to find him.." I sighed, " I just don't want him to get hurt in the process."

She didn't really say anything after that, but went over to where she'd been laying and took the bottle that was now half way gone. She returned and sat quietly, very aware that I was watching her every move. I looked a little confused, and she picked up on it, looking at me after she took a long drink, closing her eyes as she followed.

"It helps" she said mumbling a bit but looking away. I kept my eyes on her, as she offered me the bottle. I shook my head.

"How does it help?" I asked curiously, she shrugged a little before taking a drink.

"It makes me feel numb.. It makes the pain bearable." she explained. I nodded understanding. I couldn't tell her to stop. Why would she listen to me anyways?

I was about to say something else when my phone started to ring. I jumped a little but looked at it. Summer. I sighed and stood up but pressed ignore.

"I should go.. If you need anything though.." I started and she nodded.

"Thanks for the food" she said as I started to walk away. I looked back a little unsure but smiled, nodding a little.

"I'm right next door if you need anything.. Food.. To talk.. Anything" I said before walking into the house and out the front door. I made my way back to my house and into my room quietly, noticing that my parents weren't home. I sat there thinking for a while, wondering why she had nobody else. I couldn't help but wonder why she didn't hang out with anyone from school, or have a boyfriend. Why was she all alone. It confused me. I sat there thinking for the longest time about it, about her. Wishing I could help her.


	4. Broken

Disclaimer: Don't own the OC. Duh.

Haven't updated this in a while, but I realized how much I missed it when I was listening to Cassie Steele today. So enjoy & review.

**Chapter Three- Broken**

The days came in gone, and pretty soon summer was over. Seth and I hadn't talked since that day he had brought me food. Every once in a while, at night he'd walk by the cemetery, knowing I'd be there. We'd sit in silence. We never spoke. We didn't have to.

September snuck up on us all, and before I knew it school had began. It was boring. My junior year and all I could think about all day was how much I could use a smoke. How much I could use a line to soften the edge. But before I knew it, it was that day. September 24th. Marissa's 19th birthday.

I woke up that morning in a daze. I'd had another dream about her. About her death. About her not really being dead at all, just hiding from the world. It was a normal Thursday morning none the less though, but today mom was up, up and ready to face the day. She said I didn't have to go to school if I didn't want to, I said it didn't matter, its not like I had a birthday party to plan. Her eyes fell from my face, and I left for school.

That day went by faster than it had came, and before I knew it, it was 11:30 pm and I sat on top of Marissa's tomb stone, like every night. That night though her grave was covered in things, happy birthday balloons, flowers, pictures, I couldn't help but smile reading all of the cards.

"Hey Riss" I finally said, placing the 19 pink roses on her grave, "Happy birthday" I whispered quietly, thinking of what else to say.

"Mom talked to me today, it seems like its been forever since I've heard her voice" I told her, "things are starting to go back to normal, and I have to admit, I'm scared everyone is over you. I'm scared Marissa.." I couldn't control the tears that started to roll down my cheeks, "I don't want to forget you." I sighed, and I fell silent. It was then that I heard the footsteps, I didn't move a muscle, I knew who it was.

But tonight was different than all of the other nights we'd sat by her grave in silence, tonight he spoke.

"Kaitlin?" I heard his voice ask, and I turned my head, looking up with him, tears still streaming freely down my face, smearing black makeup on my cheeks.

"Hey Cohen" I offered a small, but sad smile, waiting for him to sit next to me, which he did after a few minutes of silence. Placing a red rose next to my nineteen pink ones.

"I never imagined spending tonight here" he admitted, shaking the need to cry away.

"Yeah, me either" I sighed, hugging my knee's close to my chest, "we were gonna go to Disneyland" I smiled, remembering that night we'd decided that, "we've been there dozens of times, but she promised that she'd spend her whole nineteenth birthday with me, she said we'd ride every ride, and eat until we both threw up"

"I can see that" he said with a sad, but amused chuckle.

"Yeah, it was gonna be amazing, she said that the next day she'd spend with you guys, probably all by the beach" I told him, looking over at the sadness on his face, "how's Summer?" I finally asked, there had been rumors of a breakup, but I was never sure the truth from another Newport gossip.

"We're taking a break" he admitted, confirming the rumor.

"Sorry.." I mumbled, I did feel bad.

"Its okay, I have a feeling its for good this time" he told me, I tilted my head a little confused. Summer and Seth, over for good. I gave him a sympathetic look before looking back at the engravings on the tombstone, only looking up when he spoke again. "Hey, lets get out of here.. I'll buy you breakfast, we'll celebrate for her, like she'd want us to" he offered, my stomach seemed to say yes before I did, letting out a loud growl, only to earn a grin from him.

"Okay" I finally agreed, standing up. I started to walk, but turned back and looked at the grave again, "night Riss, love you" I said quietly, before walking with him out of the cemetery.

The walk to the diner was silent, but not awkward. We were both just lost in our own thoughts. Mostly to do with Marissa, others wondering why he was here, why was he trying to help me. I didn't understand.

The walk was short, and when we got there we sat in the typical booth. The one they had always sat in. The fab four as they called themselves. It was a little weird being there. I hadn't been back there since she'd died. But for some strange reason, I was glad I was there with him.

"So…" he finally said, after we'd been sitting there for a few minutes.

"What was she like. I mean.. I know what she was like as a sister, but as a friend" I finally asked curiously. I saw a small smile creep up on his lips as he began to talk.

"She was so nosey" he said with a little chuckle, "she was always meddling in everyone's love lives, but only trying to help. She didn't judge. I think that's what we all loved most about her.. You could do anything wrong, and still she'd be there for you, and offer her help" he told me, looking up at me.

"She was so indecisive though" I said with a laugh, "I mean, boys, ice cream, shoes" I smiled my first real smile in a long time. Finally the waitress came and took our order. And an hour later, we still sat talking about Marissa, happy thoughts not sad.

"Wow, its already two" he said, smiling at his cell phone, "I better get you home before your mom reports you missing"

"She won't even notice" I shrugged, holding up my glass of chocolate milk, "to Marissa" I smiled, tilting my glass towards him.

"To Marissa" he said back to me, hitting his orange juice against my glass. We both drank, finishing out drinks in a chug before standing up.

"Thanks Seth" I said, calling him by his first name for the first time years.

"Anytime, mi-" he started, almost calling me Mini Coop as he always did, but his facial expression softened and he looked at me, "Kaitlin" he finished, calling me by my actual name.

He hurried and paid the bill and we began to walk back towards our houses.

"Thanks for breakfast" I told him when we finally reached my door.

"Of course.." he said quietly looking down at me, "does your mom really not notice anything you do?" he questioned, his eyes burning into me, he generally seemed to care.

"She doesn't notice anything anymore" I told him honestly, "I could set myself on fire, and she'd probably just go to her room" I admitted, looking away. I suddenly felt hot, nervous I guess, and I slipped off my hoodie without realizing. The only thing that reminded me of my wrists, was his sudden gasp.

"Kaitlin.." he said, still starring at my arm. I quickly covered it, looking away.

"You should really get home, your parents will be worried" I mumbled, trying to stop the tears in my eyes.

"I'm almost 19, I don't have a curfew you know.." he told me, I still didn't look. Instead just closed my eyes, trying to think of how I was going to get out of this one. Moments of silence passed when I finally opened my eyes, he was still staring at me. "Kaitlin, what happened" he finally spoke.

I looked at him, my eyes still filled with tears, I just shrugged.

"I don't know" I admitted, still looking him in the eyes.

"Come on, talk to me.." he tired again, his eyes were pleading with me.

"I don't wanna talk" I told him, turning to go inside, my hands were shaking, I knew what I needed to do now, and apparently so did he.

"Then come back to the pool house with me, we'll sit, watch a movie" he offered, I still didn't understand, why did he care.

"Your parents wouldn't like that" I whispered, shrugging my shoulders and turning again.

"Since when are you a rule follower?" he said, almost as if it was a challenge, and before I knew it I had caved, walking back with him into his backyard.

We walked passed the pool, and into the pool house which was unlocked. It had been the same as I'd remembered, though I'd only seen it once before. We sat in silence, I knew he still wanted to know. And after almost a half an hour of silence looked at him from my spot on the bed, he was sitting in at chair staring at the blank tv screen.

"The day after the funeral is when I started" I finally said, looking at him. He turned his head towards me, letting me know he was listening. "A girl at boarding school use to do it, I asked why once, she said if you made the pain physical, you could numb out the emotional pain, I said it was stupid and never talked to her again" I admitted, "but that day, when I got home my mom didn't even look at me. All day was filled of people looking right passed me. I was in the bathroom, getting ready to shower and I saw the razor. The pain was already so bad, I figured why not. So I took it, and made a little cut. It hurt so I stopped.. But when it started to bleed, it felt so.. Refreshing I guess. It felt real.." I said, now rambling on about how I'd started. "And I guess ever since, it's the only way I've known to deal. The pain inside of me gets too much, so I let it out." I admitted, it was then that he came closer, sitting next to me on the bed. He didn't speak, I don't think he knew what to say. He just stared, until he lifted his hand and placed it on my wrist lightly, running his finger tips across the cuts and scars curiously, almost looking pained for me.

The room was still silent. And now the tension could be cut with a knife, his finger tips were now running up my arms, an his eyes were staring into mine. What happened next was what made it real. It felt more intense than the cuts on my wrist, more intense than chugging a bottle of Jack at a party. The moment his lips pressed against mine my entire body belonged to him. It was a short small kiss, that only lasted a few seconds. But when he pulled away from his hands still stayed with mine, something felt different. I wanted him to heal me, mend m broken soul. But I knew that to put something back together, you must first have all the pieces.


	5. AN

**Okay. Its been forever. I do intend on updating all of my fan fictions its just been really dramatic and hellish around my house lately! So don't be surprised if you see some angsty stories from me coming up! Also I plan on rewriting a lot of what I've already written in most of my stories because I hate how I rushed things in some, and how out of character the others are.**

**SO! Keep reading, & hopefully reviewing, you'll see more stuff soon I promise!**

**Xoxo,**

**Andi**


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